A conversation with God. Excerpts from prayer journals past....

Me:

Can I be brutally honest with You God? You know it all anyway. Right? Okay. Here it is. I don't trust You. And I feel like you don't really care about me or my pain. There I said it....

Ya know,  I am a parent too. And I can't imagine. I can't fathom one of my children crying out for help and healing and rescue and transformation and NOT helping them! If I had the power, I would never let them suffer like that, especially when they recognize their own powerlessness. I am feeling that you are distant and cruel and I'm close to being done....just done.

I don't trust you. BUT I do believe....well, help my unbelief.  I do believe Your Word is Truth. I believe You are Truth. BUT I also feel alot of other things.I feel angry. I feel abandoned by you. I feel desperate. I feel alone. I feel like You are not there...for me at least.

I need you!  Our family, my children are in crisis and pain and you seem absent. My babies Lord. What about them? If I am too flawed to rescue fine, but what about them? I am feeling like Your Cosmic plan is cruel. Have I just crossed too many lines and your distance is the punishment I deserve.....Lord I am having a crisis of faith! 

What would a Good Good Father do with a child in as much pain as me? Be distant? Be silent? Not answer? Not provide? I am despaired that my struggles will never change and my wounds will never heal, save by my own flawed dysfunctional hand.

Help. I'm hurting.  Hold me Jesus.

The Father:

Your words have been harsh against me (Malachi 3:13).But you are right in this one thing, I KNOW. I SEE YOU. Do you remember when Caleb was just about two and had a huge melt down at the mall? Unconsolable? Unreasonable? You just had to pick him up kicking and screaming and carry him out. Well I have been carrying through this little melt down and I firmly and lovingly have you in My grip. Even your crisis of faith, your fear, your pain can't separate Me from you, child. Death nor life, angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, not powers, not height nor depth nor anything else in all creation can separate you from My Love, that Love that is in My Son Jesus (Romans 8:38-39). 

You think wrongly about Me and about suffering. The suffering of my own beloved Son made it possible for you to come this boldly to My throne of Grace (Hebrews 4:16). Perspective my child. You don't have My perspective, you don't have My view. Yours is so very limited. Press in to Me. Press your teary face into My chest, press in and rest in Me. I see you, I am El Roi, the God who sees (Genesis 16:13) and just like heaven is above the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours (Isaiah 55:9).

Your world is shaken. Some of this shaking is a consequence of your own choices. Some of the shaking is actually the good work I am completing in you. I have sent My word to accomplish things in you and that Word cannot be thwarted (Is 55:11). Look beyond what you are feeling and cling to what you know to be True. Rest in Who I Am. Saturate yourself with My Word. 

Listen to what I Am saying. I created you. I formed you. Do not be afraid because I have redeemed you - that means I have paid your penalties. You are mine (Is 43:1). 

Me:

I am so sorry. Lord. Savior. Faithful Friend. Brother. Healer. Creator. Good Shepherd. Lover of my soul.

I choose to Praise. I choose to Trust. I choose to yield to Your Wisdom and Sovereignty. I choose to believe that You love me with and everlasting love. I choose to rest and abide. I choose Your Peace for my mind.

You are my only Hope and I am holding on to You.