The last time I read my kids, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie -- I didn't realize it was last time. Did I rush through it, stressed about the laundry that covered my dining room table? Did we linger and laugh? Was I patient with the questions or did I give quick dead end answers? Oh how I hope we lingered and snuggled and laughed and tickled and kissed. I hope we pretended to be the Mouse and I hope I took the time for child like questions. I'm not certain of the last time I read If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, because I didn't realize it was the last time.

When my son Caleb, was a college freshman, he needed a root canal. I thought perhaps he would need me to go with him. After all -- a root canal -- any dental work has the potential for fear and pain!  I just knew he should not be alone for the trauma of it! Surely he would need his Mother.....Momma....Mommy. 

But no. He - asked - his - girlfriend - to - go - with - him. Pause....Sigh.....And that's okay. That's what happens. It is supposed to happen. Change and transition. Yet I am tearing up now even at the retelling of it. Because the last time I took him to the dentist, I didn't realize it was the last time. 

So as I checked on this grown up wonderful young man after his root canal, I paused. Memories of a delightful and magical childhood flooded my heart and mind. And I imagined all the last times that we had already experienced. 

It's visceral -- the deep pain of the last time. 

The last time my kids wanted to sleep in my bed instead of their own. The last time they needed and wanted me to hold their hands crossing the street. The last time I pushed them on the swings at Deer Park. The last time I was Mommy instead of Mom. The last time Mimi couldn't pronounce her r's. The last time Seth played with Percy and Thomas. The last time Elizabeth said she was never growing up. The last time Caleb cried because Elmo had his feelings hurt.

The last time dinner together was easy, because they didn't have activities and responsibilities. The last time we measured to see if they were tall enough for a roller coaster. The last time the tooth fairy came. The last Christmas that the visit to see Santa was magical (not embarrassing). The last time I bought toys instead of gift cards, electronics, and clothes (or cash which is now the preference). The last time we have a scavenger hunt outside so I could tire them out for a nap. The last lullaby. 

Parenting is this glorious, wild, wonderful, painful, beautiful, scary, exhilarating, exhausting, amazing, adventure that is book-ended with firsts and lasts. 

We have gone from first steps to first dances, first tooth to first kiss, first day of kindergarten to first day of High School. And I am profoundly grateful for every moment.

I close my eyes and a thousand last times flood my mind. But I open my eyes and see these remarkable people - my kids - on the cusp of so many more firsts, and I am keenly aware of how the transition and change that I have ahead. 

Grateful for every season of their lives. Determined to be aware of the lasts. Prayerful of helping them navigate their firsts. Blessed to see them growing in Wisdom.

And considering making them all sit through If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, one more time!